True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think people are normalizing furries
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
