how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
