but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Found the puke drawer
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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