My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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