The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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