that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
