I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
