I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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