First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
