Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
