you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
