her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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