so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
