got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
