Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
