Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
