I look better un-naked...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
