When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
