woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
