Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Two words: blizzard sex
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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