I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize