at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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