Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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