those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
high people should be assigned attendants
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
