She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
foreskin is a definite game changer
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
as a side note pls kill me
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
