I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
