So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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