I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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