Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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