i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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