So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
