Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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