Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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