I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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