You smell like a Billy Joel song
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
