What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
