Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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