Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
