I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize