I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
