Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she told me i tasted like america
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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