I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
