i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm jealous of your bromance
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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