There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
