4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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