Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize