new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
