Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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