I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
