so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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