Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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