Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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