The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
