im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
