she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
