drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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