My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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