i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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