laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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