how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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