I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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