Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
