I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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