remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
