Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
