you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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