I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
